Have you ever screamed inside?

Movies, books, tv, the stage have influenced my life ever since I can remember. So tonight I saw this.

No different. I still am influenced. This was a little different. Even though I was watching it for parts of the film I was somewhere else.  I started to have thoughts about wishing that I was truly gifted at something.  Truly gifted. That I could do something to the point of genius. I’ve always said my biggest fear is being insignificant. That at the end of my life that I will look back and wonder if that was the best I could have done. I’m not that old so maybe that’s premature.  I thought about it twenty years ago so I wonder what I have been doing with that.

At lunch today I told stories of when I was teacher. I thought that was how I was going to change the world. I took the job I’m in now thinking before I get old I should do something like this. Well my job has changed in that ten year period for the better.  I still wonder though if I had not made this move what I would be now ten years later. Would i be battling the school district. Would I have climbed the ladder of public education.  I do believe that God put me here for this time. In preparation I think. I don’t know if its to do something else or if it is for what I will do the next day.  Why do movies bring up these kinds of thoughts.  I think friends do that too.  I said this phrase tonight “My ego has been bruised so many times”  Has it really though?

Here is what I know. There is a small group around me that think I’m pretty cool and that’s pretty cool.  There is so much to do in the world that I get overwhelmed with where to start.  Sometimes not being satisfied with the way the world works is OK even when you don’t know what to do.

I was trying to decide if this was a call for help or not. I never write anything for my job that doesn’t have to do with me first. This season I have three pieces that do. One that has the line “be the envy of all your friends when you email them from a far off land” another “Aren’t some people beyond your grace and another “You stay out here and think about it I’m going in”  All have a little piece of me in it.

I found out what my blog is about. Not recipes or a cause or funny news.  It’s about how does a single 32 year old guy navigate in a world when he has no plans for the future.  So what do you do with all that?  I think you press on and upward and sometimes just sometimes you scream a little inside.